I May Be Crazy...

I'm a superstitious person. Always have been, always will be. (Sometimes I think it may be more OCD than superstition, but hey, potato, potahto...) I don't get freaked out though by the normal superstitions: black cat, broken mirror, etc. Instead I create my own superstitions. Especially when Stonewall is away from home because of the Army.

When he was deployed I would send him two emails a day and one had to include a picture of me. When we would talk on the phone he had to hang up first. I slept with the sweatshirt he wore the night before he left every night. (I even took it on a cruise with me.) I wrote a letter to him every night before I went to bed. Finally, I had to say the same prayer every night. I was convinced that as long as did every single one of these things Stonewall would come home safely. And he did.

Now, granted he hasn't been deployed a second time to Iraq, but he does go to drill and as of late he's had to go on several "business trips" for his new unit. However, the same rules still apply. Well, okay, not the exact same, but some habits die hard. When we talk on the phone he has to hang up first. I sleep with his pillow now instead of a sweatshirt and the prayer is a little different.

Its these "superstitions" though that get me through the hard times, the times when Stonewall is gone. Maybe I am being OCD, but when these things can get me through a day, I'll take them. There were so many days when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep. However, I can't stay in bed and type emails. My "superstitions" helped me move from day to day.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for Stonewall in Iraq and being so far from everything he loves. (Perhaps his experiences were similar to what these soldiers are doing right now qhile deployed: Iraq Partii and Marissa's Deployment Blog.) However, I don't think Stonewall can imagine what it's like being at home and waiting. Those two feelings must be so different. He was away from home, but he was experiencing things he had never even known before and he was kept busy sometimes working 30 hour days. There was always something that he had to do, someplace he had to be, procedures he had to follow to make sure he and his soldiers got their mission completed and got home safely. What do we get to do here at home to make sure the ones we love come home safely?

Maybe I'm silly and superstitious and OCD and a million other things to describe my craziness. But maybe, just maybe, I'm also just trying not to go crazy wondering if he's safe and when he'll be home. Maybe to not go completely crazy, I have to be just a little crazy.