Stonewall and I have been in fight mode all week. We haven't actually been fighting all week, but we kinda started on Monday, so all week the tension has been in the air. On Wednesday the shit hit the fan, and since then we've both been walking on eggshells, so as to not piss the other one off.
That's the way we fight though. We'll go a couple of months with no major fights or disagreements and then suddenly BAM! We'll scream at each other like crazy for a good hour, we'll spend the next few days on tiptoes and then we go back to normal for the next few months. It works for us. I think we need that hour of screaming to stay sane (as insane as that might sound).
Honestly, I think our once-every-few-months screaming match helps our marriage rather than destroy it because sometimes its just what we need. This wasn't always the case though. When we had these fights in the beginning we both used to think it meant we were headed for a break-up or the big D. We stuck it out though because despite the bad times, our good times were even better. The point being that with every fight we thought we were one step closer to failing as a couple. So we decided to get some help...with a book.
A while back I read in magazine about this doctor, John Gottman, who claimed that within 15 minutes of listening to a conversation between a couple he could determine whether or not their marriage would survive on its current path with a 91% accuracy. Sounds a little shiesty, but I was curious. I bought his book called The Seven Principle's for Making Marriages Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Turns out this doctor has been doing his studies on marriages for over 20 years (while most other "experts" base their studies on only a couple of years), so I'm feeling this dude knows his crap.Dr. Gottman's point is that there are 7 principles that every good marriage has and despite having these principles every marriage is different. He's seen couples that never fight, but because they lack these principles their marriage fails, while other couples do nothing but fight, yet as a couple they have these 7 principles, so their marriage flourishes. Its not even a matter of how you fight/communicate, but rather what else you and your spouse bring to the marriage.
For instance, Principle 1 discusses your love map or how well you know your partner. Stonewall and I passed this with flying colors. We talk about everything. We're best friends and we know each other's hopes and dreams and even past failures. This is a strong point for us. Another strong area for us is when we fight we make repair attempts. Meaning even in the middle of a fight we will try and use humor to lighten the mood and bring the other person back from the edge. Another repair attempt is our 10 minute rule: at any point during the fight one of us can call a 10 minute break to allow us both to step away and calm down and reflect on the current situation.
In each chapter there are a group of exercises and quizzes for you as a couple to complete. First, there is a true and false quiz to determine if the chapter's principle is a strong or weak area in your marriage. Then there are exercises that help you both to discover new things about each other and to help improve areas that are considered weak in your marriage. Stonewall and I sat and talked for over an hour on one exercise alone. It was kind of surprising to learn how much we really knew about one another, while at the same time learn even more about each other.
So just from reading this book and completing the exercises, it turns out we aren't abnormal because we blow up at each other rather than calmly discussing, we're just...a married couple. Our fights aren't a weakness (the way we solve a fight could use some improvement, however), they are just a part of who we are as a couple and we aren't heading for Divorce Court. Actually, the more we learn about each other and our relationship, the more it looks like we truly are stuck we each other for the rest of our lives...and we're both okay with that ;)
7 comments:
i know how you feel about the fighting thing.
its different for b and i. we have little fights, they last about 30 minutes until we sit down and talk about how we could have done things differently.
the bad part is, its pretty frequent.
guess i need to buy that book
I love the perspective you have taken on this book, I read it too but did not do the exercises with my husband because he was where else, IRAQ, but we have taken the opportunity to attend marriage retreats when he has come back with our units, one was the Four Seasons of Marriage and it helped us to understand that even if we are not in the same season at the same time, it is not failure, but we did find we were in the same season alot of the time. The 5 Languages of Love was another great book that helps couples better understand who they are and who their partners are, both are by Gary Chapman and can be found here
We as milspouses and warriors are unique individuals for we have a war that try to comes between our relationships, the fact that we thrive in spite of it is a miracle to me and goes to show how dedicated we are to our other half and I think that is amazing, but then that is just my opinion....for what it's worth.
~ASW
I've often wondered about couples who claim they NEVER fight. It seems as if that would mean you care so little for each other nothing is worth getting passionate about. Lets face it, when you live with someone there are going to times you get on each others nerves and say things you aren't proud of. It's all in how you resolve it in the end IMO. Sometimes a good argument leads to a better understanding of one another.
Sounds like a good book. I love your review! I wonder if our library has it, or maybe I should buy it - it has worksheet?
Sounds like an interesting book.
Communication seems to be the key to success to any great relationship and it sounds like you guys have a great relationship!!
Mrs. AF~
Its a really great book, so I'm sure you'll like it. And like the book says, don't get discouraged or anything because you fight (no matter how frequently) because that's not what makes or breaks you as a couple. The book really does give you a whole new perspective on fighting and what it does and doesn't mean to your relationship.
ASW~
Stonewall and I would love to go to a marriage retreat. We've looked into it, but haven't actually gone yet. And that's a really good opinion :)
Mrs. SS~
I agree. I've wondered myself about couples that never fight, but to each his own, I guess. Stonewall and I have learned things about each other the hard way. Even though the actual event of fighting sucks, the outcome is usually good because we do learn something new either about each other or our relationship. Even if it is just that we agree to disagree.
Wendy~
Thanks! There are no actual worksheets. Stonewall and I just write our answers on notebook paper. Plus, some answers can be really long, so its definitely easier to use a seperate paper rather than try to fit it all in the book.
Betty~
Thanks! I think we're doing pretty good for newlyweds. You don't realize that marriage is real work and you have to learn to communicate with another person in a way that you don't communicate with anyone else until you're actually married. They don't teach that in Home Ec!
I received this book a few months ago as a wedding gift. I was really hesitant, as self-help books usually seem like a load of crap to me. But, I really believe in this book and in its principles. True, my husband and I have only been married four months, but we've been best friends for almost twelve years. There is a lot of working that is still involved, and the thing this book taught us the most was that you cannot get lazy. You must make your marriage your first priority, even when it gets hard. I really loved it, and will likely re-read it often throughout our marriage.
And, I don't think the fighting is abnormal. As long as it is done in a healthy manner and isn't cruel or malicious. I truly worry about couples who claim they never fight...it makes me wonder if they are being honest with each other.
Anyways, thanks for this post, it was really neat to read!
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