Peace & Hope & Prosperity, 'Fro My!!

I'm taking the week off from blogging. I know you'll miss me, but in the meantime I've got some AWESOME guest bloggers to help fill the days. Actually, they're more like VIBs, Very-Important-Bloggers. They're really that fantastic. Maybe even more fantastic than me. I know that's saying a lot, but I don't like to lie to you guys.

Today's VIB is the stupendously hilarious Nic (lovely name, btw) at Four Better, Four Worse. She mentions poop in her profile, so I know she’s my kind of gal. And her kids… I just want to pinch their cute pudgy cheeks!

~Mrs. Mootz

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Wow. So “stupendously hilarious”, huh? Talk about pressure! Thanks Mrs. Mootz for the intro, hope I can do you proud. I’m happy to be here today – any situation where people are  forced to listen to me babble is a win/win in my book – so three cheers for the invitation, even if you may or may not have just called my kids fat….. kidding.

One of my favorite things about the Mrs. is her Things That Make Ya Go Hmmm posts. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I have a steady stream of smart ass comments that run through my head. Whether it’s a gift or a curse, I’m not quite sure, but reading Nikki’s snarky remarks gives me the warm fuzzies and seriously makes my day. It also makes me think we could totally hang in real life, drinking wine and talking shit, but that’s probably a story for another day. In the meantime, without further ado, I present my own version, which I give a big ol’ WTF to:

Did you know that today marks nine weeks until Black Friday?? Let me say that again – NINE WEEKS, people. If you are a serious BF shopper like me, you’re probably already anticipating the thrill of the sale, the cunning required to scope leaked online ads in the weeks before, the attention to detail required to properly map out and execute a successful POA (that’s Plan of Attack in laymen’s terms), the layers of clothing necessary to not get frost bite while waiting in line at 3am… it’s all a big headache really. But if you’re addicted, you will go. And you will love it. But for those that aren’t exactly thrilled with the prospect of holiday shopping, fear not!  I’m happy to report that I may very well have found the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy-for person in your life. And you won’t even have to leave the comfort of your home. Boo-yah.

Are you ready for this?

………………..

No, really. You need to prepare yourself. Sit down, I beg you.

Let me set the scene……

It’s December. You drew your crazy Uncle Ned from the gift exchange hat on Thanksgiving and you have NO idea what to buy the old kook. He’s old, he’s grumpy, he has no hobbies, he’s a broken hip away from the nursing home, yet it is your job to wrap up some holiday spirit for him to open on Christmas morning. So what to do you? You remember this post you’re reading right now (Seriously. Bookmark it. You’ll thank me later.) and LIGHTBULB! You know exactly what to get ol’ Ned.

I can’t even really give this thing the introduction that it deserves, so I’ll let the infomercial speak for itself:

 

Yeah. You may need to watch it again for it to fully sink it. I’ll wait. Replay it.

 

Okay, now that that’s digested, let’s all say it together…..

 

What.the.eff.

Seriously. After watching that I have so many thoughts  fighting to spew forth from my mouth, I can barely form a coherent sentence.

“Your Chia Obama is a symbol of liberty. Opportunity. Prosperity. And hope.”

Oh marketing geniuses behind this one…. ::sigh:: I don’t even know which part of the above statement to touch on first.

Liberty? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess our forefathers are rolling in their graves that a glorified house plant is supposed to be considered a sign of liberty. Way to fight for our freedom, guys! Life, liberty, and the pursuit of wannabe Bonsai. Score!

Out of curiosity, how does owning a Chia Obama symbolize prosperity? Because somebody might actually have enough excess cash – or lack of brain cells - to shuck out the $19.99 (plus S&H mind you) required to own this friggin’ monstrosity?? I’ll pass, thanks. I have better things to spend $20.00 on. Like the two bottles of wine it is going to take to erase this infomercial from my memory.

Call me negative, but the only opportunity this thing affords me is the luxury of laughing my ass off. Because really. Is this supposed to be a good thing?? I mean, are they really serious? Like do you think Barry was sitting in the White House one day and said, “Well Michelle, I’m the first African American President of the United States of America, I’ve just about made it! The only thing left on my bucket list is a Chia Pet in my likeness!”

Bam! Your prayers were answered, Mr. President. Ask and you shall receive. It’s the American dream, really. All you need is that hope they mentioned.

 

“Show pride and support…with Chia Obama.” 

Yes, because nothing says “I’m proud to be an American” like planting seeds on a terra cotta bust of our highest elected governmental official. I know my chest will swell with pride every time his hair sprouts;that I will lovingly comb it and prune it, and water it until my Obama is sporting a full on ‘fro.  Why hasn’t the NAACP jumped all over this thing yet? This looks like the kinda thing Jesse Jackson would be on like stink on shit.

 

“Display it on your desk. At your home. At your school.”

Of course! That way anyone who comes into contact with you realizes you are a GIANT DOUCHEBAG without having to spend more than three minutes in your presence! This thing is not only a conversational piece but an effective time management tool also. More bang for your buck. How could you not want one of these suckers??

I know you can all barely contain your excitement, so I’ve included the link to order HERE. Just calm down, get your credit cards ready, and go support the good ol’ US of A!

So there you have it. The first item off your holiday shopping list is taken care of. Hurry! Act now and for a limited time, if you order two, they’ll ship that piece of Americana for FREE. I haven’t seen a deal like this since they Sham Wow threw in the bonus cloth.

If you aren’t already frantically ordering a president to prune, can we just WTF this thing one more time??

Yes, we can.

~nic