This isn't the easiest thing to admit. I like to think I can do it all, all of the time. I guess that can be both a strength and a weakness.
Example: When I was pregnant, Stonewall deployed during my sixth/seventh month and so it was just me and the pups in the house. Everyone tried to convince me to either a) move in with my parents, or b) have someone move in with me. I didn't really like either of those options because a) I liked my house and I didn't want to leave it and b) I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and two dogs. So at 36 weeks pregnant I was still carrying laundry up and down two flights of stairs, lugging my grocery bags into the house, and taking out the trash. I didn't want people to think I couldn't handle being pregnant and the wife of a deployed soldier.
Well, as you all know I've been feeling pretty crappy for the past couple of weeks. Stuffy nose, nasty cough, incredibly tired...The doc gave me some cough medicine with codeine in it to help me sleep. However, it had the complete opposite effect on me. It kinda slowed down my cough, but it woke me up...kinda like I had a few cups of coffee. So, I was still not sleeping well.
Lil' Mootz has also not been feeling 100%. However, he's been handling it pretty well and was still sleeping through the night. Well, Tuesday night that all changed. For whatever reason he would cry whenever his sucker (nook, paci, pacifier...whatever you want to call it) would fall out of his mouth. So Tuesday night and Wednesday night I was up and down, up and down every few minutes. It was not good. I would start to drift off to sleep only to be woken up by Lil' Mootz crying.
Early Thursday morning around 4:30...I cracked. I started crying crying crying and I couldn't stop. I didn't have tissues and I was using toilet paper to blow my nose, and at one point I threw the roll across the room because I was so frustrated. I screamed into my pillow several times. Then I would get up walk into Lil' Mootz's room all calm, give him his sucker, and go back to my bed and start crying all over again. I was tired, sick, achy, and I didn't know what to do for Lil' Mootz. I had given him Tylenol thinking his ear or tooth was hurting him, I had tried rocking him back to sleep, I kept giving him his sucker...nothing was working. I didn't know what to do for Lil' Mootz or for myself.
Once I finally settled down, I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to work that day because I was so tired. While I was on the phone with her, Lil' Mootz started crying again and as soon as he started, I broke down again also.
As soon as my mom suggested I come over to her house for a few days, I agreed. She watched Lil' Mootz for me on Thursday while I caught up on some sleep. He is also sleeping in my parents' bedroom and my mom is basically taking care of him, feeding, bathing, so I can relax and recuperate. Today my grandma is watching Lil' Mootz and tomorrow night he is spending the night at my MIL's house. I'm starting to feel so much better. I still have a cough and stuffy nose, but sleeping has helped so much. It's amazing what uninterrupted sleep can do for a body. We're staying at my parents' house until tomorrow and I'm hoping that by Sunday I'll be back to 100% (or at least 90%).
It's a little weird to be back in my old bedroom at my parents' house. But it's also very comforting. I can't tell you how amazingly nice it is to have some help. My family and Stonewall's family always try and help and make sure I'm not too overwhelmed, but for the most part, I like to think that I don't NEED their help. I know I do though. I'm sure had it not been for them I would have broken down a long time ago.
I'm just so grateful that when I did finally break, my mom and Barry were there, no questions asked. Same with my grandparents and Deb (MIL). All of them are always here to help me when I need it. And they make sure I know that needing help does not make me a bad mom or a weak person.
So even though I like to think that I can do it all, all of the time, I can't. That's okay though. I told Stonewall that I didn't want him to think I wasn't a strong person and that I couldn't handle all of this and he told me, “Don't be silly. I know you are strong enough to handle anything. And you're asking for help. It takes an even stronger person to ask for help when they need it.”
12 comments:
Goodness gracious. You are such a strong woman-- even though you cried and needed help from the family. You are strong, and I hope I can do the same when my husband gets deployed.
Mom's are the best at giving TLC during deployment. I honestly don't know WHAT I would have done without mine these past 15 months without Hubbs.
Glad you found some relief and took that day off of work! I give you soo soo much credit for doing it all with a family to raise too!
I'm glad you were able to ask for help when you needed it. My mom's been here the past week or so since I had oral surgery, and boy am I grateful!
I am glad you were able to take up the offer of help. And it is great that you are feeling better and able to catch up on sleep. I know I have been there. Both in being stubbornly adamant that I CAN do what needs to be done by myself and that I WILL admit I might be better off allowing people to help.
I hope you are getting your strength and health back and aren't beating yourself up too much for melting just a little.
you are a very strong woman, for realizing you needed a hand, for accepting that hand, and letting us know that it's ok to need that hand. Getting some sleep - that's priceless. Knowing that Lil'M is getting loved and pampered, great. Letting the Grammas help you and get lots of cuddle time with the grandbaby - aces.
We all hit that point. every single one of us, even the "supermom/wife/perfect milspouse" that we all love to hate. all of us hit the point of I just can't anymore. Getting a helping hand - gets us over that point, and we'll chug on to the end of the deployment and all the new challenges. but for now, relax, rest (sounds like you were run down to the littlest nub). and tell the gramma's I'm jealous, my grandbaby is 2000 miles away!
LAW
Everyone gets this way and has a breaking point. I don't think it means that you are not a strong person. I think you are.
It's amazing how friends and family can be there without any questions. I'm glad you have that support system!
Aw. I'm sorry, sweetie. But I know how you feel. Its not easy at all. But you're incredibly strong, and I agree with Stonewall that it takes a strong person to ask for help. Get to feeling better. :)
So glad you had great family support around. Don't feel bad about breaking down, we all have a breaking point. It doesn't mean you aren't strong, it means you are human!
Oh gosh girl! I hope all is well or is getting better? Get lots of rest and just remember, that you cannot be strong all the time...You eventually break, and thats okay!!! Your hubby is so right! A smart man;)
Poor thing!! DOn't feel bad if you need some help every now and again!!!
Stonewall's right...it takes a strong person to ask for help...and a smart person, which you are! Glad you are doing better :-)
I would have had a meltdown many, many weeks ago. You are a very strong woman!
I am so glad you had such an amazing support system.
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