Actually, that's just a good excuse for saying I was too lazy.
Looking back over this past year, specifically the last nine months, I feel like I used that excuse a lot. "I'm too busy" or "I'm too tired" or "You try taking care of a baby, two dogs, and a house."
Anyway, I kind of wish I had recorded how I was honestly feeling this past year. I know I was all over the place.
This past year was like nothing I've ever had to do in my life. There were times I hated being in this life situation. I hated being a wife who was a mom who's husband was deployed. I would get so mad at Stonewall for not being here.
Just to be absolutely clear, I've never hated Lil' Mootz and I've never regretted our decision to get pregnant even though we knew a deployment was coming up. I love my Lil' Mootz more than my whole life and on those days when I was feeling miserable he was the bright spot in my day.
That doesn't change the fact though that there were more days than I can count that I was so frustrated with being the only parent in the house. I hated that on the nights I was most tired, I was being woken up by a crying baby at 6:00 in the morning. I hated that on Sundays when I wanted to relax I couldn't sit for more than 15 minutes before I had to get up to make a bottle or change a diaper or clean up spit up or let the dogs out.
There were so many ups and downs this year. Lil' Mootz has made me laugh more than anyone I know and he's made me feel so proud and happy. On the other hand, with Stonewall being gone I've cried more and I've never felt so alone. I've never been more thankful for our families and then there were times when I couldn't stand a single family member. Some days I felt like the strongest woman alive and other days I thought I would not even make it through the day let alone this whole year.
Now with the year almost over and Stonewall mere days from sitting beside me on the couch again, I'm wondering what I accomplished this year. Who am I now? Because I know I'm not the same person Stonewall said good-bye to last September. Am I better? Worse?
I didn't have a list of goals to accomplish like so many other wives have posted on their blogs. So what did I do this past year? Stonewall is coming home to a healthy happy little boy, two dogs, and a house that's better looking then when he left. I've paid off some credit cards and it's possible I may have gotten a smidge more organized. Those are all very good accomplishments. I'll pat myself on the back for those.
However, I didn't put as much money in savings as I had wanted to. I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to and now I'm worrying myself crazy that Stonewall won't like how I look now. I'm 27 and I'm still going through an identity crisis when it comes to my career and sometime within the past nine months, it's only gotten worse. I'm trying my hardest to support Stonewall's career choice when he gets home, but I don't know what the best decision for him and for us is.
And the icing on the cake, I am so incredibly worried about how we're going to fit back into normal life when our "normal" life doesn't include a baby. How will Stonewall adjust and how will Lil' Mootz and I re-adjust? From things I've heard and read it's like this will be the "make it or break it" part of the deployment. Can we fit together again?
Stonewall and I have a rocky past. Especially when it comes to adjusting to life after a deployment. This time though, it's a whole new ball game. It's not just Stonewall and me anymore. Lil' Mootz, the most important part of us, is here this time. We can not behave like we did last time. We can not screw up like we did last time. We can't.
So that's how I'm feeling tonight. It's kind of all over the place, I know. Today was a frustrating day. Maybe that explains a lot, maybe it doesn't.
Stonewall called me on Saturday and told me when I can expect to see him. I'm just so happy this year is over. When he told me I started crying out of sheer happiness. I am so ready to have him home. Even with all my wonderings and worryings, I know having him home is always better than having him gone.
15 comments:
I'm so happy for you & you getting through the past year. Glad he's coming home to you & lil mootz safely.
You're so brave and strong for posting this. We haven't had to go through a deployment yet, but I know you guys will make it! The love you have for each other, and for little moots, will keep you together through thick and thin!
I'm so glad he's finally coming home to you :)
I know it'll be hard at times, but the words you wrote here make me believe that you and Stonewall will be just fine. It'll take some adjustment, but it always takes adjustment when there's a baby. In your case, it just happened a little later.
Besides, you'll be able to show him what an amazing and capable mom you are, to have been able to balance it all without him. It doesn't mean you didn't need him to be there. I agree that you are so brave, and I want to tell you how much I appreciate the honest words you and all the other bloggers share.
It is hard being a soldier (I know, I spent 8 yrs being one. It is even harder being an Army wife(this too I know for I was an Army wife). I admire you for your honesty and the fact that you understand that your marriage is not all pixie dust and fairies. It is work and alot of young people do not understand how hard it really is. Keep the faith and you both will make it!
Yay! He is coming home soon! I can't wait to hear all about it. I think it is even more exciting since Lil' Mootz will be meeting his Daddy!
Congrats on seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes! You are a very strong woman!
You are right a kiddo does add to the readjustment, hey just being honest, but it also adds to it in a great way. You guys will find your mojo. And so what you didnt lose as much weight or save as much, I always figure if he's coming home to a standing house and live children isnt that enough!? : )
I love that you were so honest in this post. I think everyone worries about what it's going to be like when their back. What did you accomplish...well you made it! A lot of people don't make it through them.
You survived this deployment and not only did you survive it you've thrived. You have a child that you took care of, a house that you maintained and also keep contact going with stonewall.
I think you've done fabulous!
ahhhhh honey!! my heart just aches for you....you are a strong woman, a wonderful mother, and a provider for your family!! in the grand picture losing a few pounds and saving a little more money doesn't hold a candle to all the other things you've accomplished this last year!!! how exciting for lil mootz to be with mommy and daddy....you're in my prayers, i can't wait for your family to be together again!
I really liked this post. I feel like you really opened up and came clean. I like that. You're not alone, I'm sure, in all that you feel. Personally, I haven't gone through a deployment, but just the day-to-day life with a soldier is hard enough when you have a baby. I'm sure things will take some time to get used to for everyone, but I know in the end, it will be like there was never a year of separation.
You're a really strong woman. Be happy with that. :)
Glad he's coming home so soon.
I'm glad he's finally coming home to you!
I don't know if its true because I haven't had to make it through a deployment yet, but it might be easier for you to readjust when he comes back because you've done it before. Even though it sounds like it didn't go so great last time, I'm sure you know why and how to avoid those pitfalls again. I'm sure everything will be ok for you guys and that Stonewall will be so happy to be home with his beautiful (because you are!) wife and handsome son.
You are in my thoughts!
We are just about to start our first deployment at a different stage of togetherness, so your post is timely. I have been thinking about starting a journal. I think you just made the decision for me.
And congrats to you for getting through this. All the best for reintegration as a family unit!
Oh girl, just hang in there. I always found the first year after the baby was the hardest on my marriage, and it happened with all 4. But I expected it with 2-4 so it made it more acceptable. This will be like begining your year 1 of having a baby. Just hang in, you know it will be rough but one day you'll wake up and the rough will be gone.
What a beautiful post - your honesty and openness are so inspiring. The post-deployment adjustments are tough, and being that my husband and I don't have a child yet, I can only imagine the pressure you feel with Lil' Mootz involved. But if you made it through the deployment, I feel confident that you'll make it through this as well. It might take some time, might include arguments and frustrations, but you guys will all fit back together. :)
I'm so happy for you that he's finally home. I wish you the best!
P.S. That's awesome that you were a journalism major, too! Kinda crazy but I haven't even worked in a job related to journalism. I feel a bit lost, even though I thought I had my career goals all figured out in college! :)
you did a great job, you held it together, have a happy healthy baby... and all these questions and worries are so normal for us! After all, most people don't count their marriage dates as -time married - time actually spent in the same timezone.
remember to take advantage of any counseling or weekend retreats to reconnect if you can. this takes time, as you know. the rest of the world can take a flying leap, you and Stonewall need to reconnect in the best way for You!
Pat yourself on the back, girl! Look at all you did!
LAW
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