Stonewall and I have our problems. I don't know right now if we'll be able to move beyond them. I didn't think when we got married three and a half years ago that this is where we would be right now. I thought we were the fairy tale.
As a little girl I dreamt about who would be my Prince Charming. Heck, as a 21-year-old college student I dreamt about my Prince Charming. He was handsome, funny, kind, a lover of animals, ah-may-zing in bed, (those last two not necessarily at the same time...) a protector, destined for a successful career, the life of the party, of course, he wouldn't lose any points if he came with a castle and he loved me for being me.
Things changed over the years. I changed. I suppose even the qualities I wanted in my Prince Charming changed as well. A baby, a house, bills...adulthood in general, will do that.
I think somewhere between the diaper changes and the loads of laundry and the anniversaries, I forgot. I forgot who I was, what I wanted, and what I needed.
I'm trying to catch up now. Did I change because I wanted to or because someone else wanted me too? Are these changes I even want to keep? Can I keep changing? Do I want too?
One thing never changed though. I still want a kiss, every day of my life, that takes my breath away.
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12 comments:
I hope everything works out the way it is meant to. I feel like this military life has a funny way of swamping you and taking our identity without you realising before it is too late
Little things like laundry and diapers do seem to put a damper on romance. But, since we can't live in a fairy tale world, we have to do them. And in every marriage couples have their differences. But, once you work through them it's usually worth while. I've heard that the 3rd year is one of the hardest. You're over all the fantasies and the newleywed stage and life has kicked in with it's pile of chores and it seems there are stinky socks being left everywhere but the hamper. You become downright frustrated and your prince charming has turned back into a frog that you no longer recognize. You're being presented with a lily pad for a castle and it stinks! But, if you hang in there you do someday find a balance and marriage really is worth it in the long run. Try the Love Dare. There is a book and a movie called The Love Dare and it's saved thousands of marriages and it does it in about 30 days.
It's funny you would have a competition relating to choosing love. Love is a choice - it has NOTHING to do with feelings. You chose to love him years ago, so choose to do so again. Choose to enjoy the changes, not criticize them. Choose to view them as growing into that wonderful adult you dreamed about - but better than you ever imagined. Choose these things and your marriage will blossom.
My husband and I have been together 5 years (married), (ten altogether) and I find that if I hit a spot where I'm down and mis about differences, I remind myself that we're two halves of a whole - not the same in anyway, but a perfect fit that needs the other side. Cheesy to say this, but read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - although it's a ghastly self help book, it is SO TRUE!!! We are WAY different, but compliment each other so much if we just allow it. And if I'm still miffed I tell myself to get over myself - I'm not what it's all about, We are.
So many people just give up and move on and miss the BEST years of their marriages.
Anyway... you can block me now if you want. I'll understand.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to contribute, but I don't really. I just hope things work out for the best whether that's you and Stonewall together or not. ***hugs***
I'm thinking about you. I hope things work out how they are supposed to. :)
I think the most important thing in a relationship is to not lose yourself and your identity. You should never feel like you've given up yourself completely, this only leads to resentment.
It's funny, I moved to New Zealand with my Ex and felt like I'd lost everything: my job, family, friends, culture, myself...I moved to DC for my husband and feel like I've gained so much and so many new opportunities! I guess perspective has a lot to do with it, but I've never felt like I had to give up myself. I wanted these changes with my husband!
Of course, not everything is sunshine and roses, and our identity changes as life changes (kids, jobs, family, friends, school, etc...) so it's a constant process of evaluating what makes us happy and making changes accordingly. Even if it means listening to your favorite music, pulling out the old art supplies, wearing your favorite earrings, cooking something you love, or having coffee with an old friend once a month. I find that the little things help a lot!
I hope this helps (does it even make sense?)...Hang in there!
Natalia
Each of these ladies has already given great advice, so there's not much for me to add. I just wanted to say this: If it was worth it 3.5 yrs ago, it's probably still worth it now. You just have to find what it was that made it work, that made you two fall for each other. Spend some time rediscovering each other. I hope it all works out for you guys! Sending lots of virtual hugs your way!
My husband does not give me a kiss that takes my breath away every day (although when we were dating, wow, it was awesome!). Here's the thing, though - he does laundry. And is an amazing dad. And cares what I think, say, and feel. Yeah, we fight sometimes, and sometimes the romance is pretty much gone, but our commitment has endured (we're about to hit seven years now, so not crazy long, but a while). We've both changed, and I've had to realize he isn't exactly who I thought he was when we married, but it's okay. Neither am I.
I actually think the toughest thing we've faced has been him not deploying, which has been our reality our entire relationship until a year ago. Neither of us realized that we really didn't know how to live together full time, and he didn't know how to deal with the kids all the time, either. It took a bit to realize that, and talking it out helped a ton.
I guess my point is that while it's well and good to have a list and wish for things to feel like they did in the beginning, those things don't really make for a realistic picture of marriage. That doesn't mean it won't ever be fabulous again, but it does mean that fabulous is going to look and feel different than it once did. Mostly, that is a great thing!
You are my friend and I love you and I knew you when you had those dreams of your prince charming as a 21 year old college student! I feel horrible that you and Stonewall are having issues, but I think that given a little time, you'll both realize what's best for you - whether it's being together or not - although I certainly hope you can work it out together. I know I can't give much advice from experience (as we aren't quite married yet!) and we don't have any kids, but in the 7 years we've been living together, we've both changed as well...the romance is definitely not what it was, and again I say - we don't even have kids yet!! I know that will throw a loop into things but I'm hoping it's a kickass loop! Just know that I love you and I'm here for you whenever you need me! After October we need to get back together much more often! Muah! **a memory to make you smile - dude, where's my car?!**
Thinking of you! I think you've gotten some amazing words from the other ladies, so all I'll say is that things have an amazing way of working out how they should.
Sending many good thoughts your way!
Advice is easy to give, because it comes from our own experiences. No one here knows the circumstances surrounding your problems right now. So to give exact advice is a bit misplaced. The best thing to do is to take your time,listen to your heart, and think things through. No rash decisions based on a momentary feeling. You are intelligent, courageous and beautiful inside and out. Trust yourself.
I always say everything happens for a reason. I hope that you're happy no matter what.
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