50...Er...22 Things a Woman Should Never Do

Joe Carter at First Thoughts has put up his list of 50 Things a Woman Should Never Do.  I'm assuming that the perfect woman abides by all 50 things, so I thought I would see how I measure up.

1. Buy underwear at a thrift store. Does Tar-jay count as a thrift store?  If not then I'm good here.



2. Tell another woman, “You don’t look that fat.” I would never lie to another woman...


3. Stab another woman in the chest with a salad fork for saying, “You don’t look that fat.” No worries here.  I always look fabulous. 


4. Believe a man who is not making eye contact but says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” I'm speaking! You should be listening!


5. Get a “tramp stamp” on your lower back. Guilty...


6. Get a tattoo anywhere. Guilty five times...


7. Get a mullet. I did not actually GET a mullet.  My mother GAVE me one when I was 6.


8. Date one of your girlfriend’s exes. I wouldn't really call it a date though...


9. Inject a neurotoxin into your face. No worries there.  I plan on just staying naturally beautiful.


10. Expect your relationships to be anything like a romantic comedy. Before I got married I thought this was a reasonable goal.  And then I got married...


11. Take advice from Oprah’s latest guru. I wouldn't even take advice from Oprah herself.



12. Be rude to a server. But they deserved it...



13. Let anyone mentally, physically, or verbally abuse you or your children. I would stab them in the chest with a salad fork first.



14. Apply eye makeup while driving and/or stopped in traffic. I can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.



15. Ask your man, “Do you think she looks prettier than me?” (He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t.) I already know he already thinks that. I just want to see if he's going to lie to me as well.



16. Eat garlic, spinach, or corn on the cob on a first date. I'm sure I've had garlic on a first date.  I'm also sure I did that on purpose...



17. Wear makeup to bed. To sleep or is it okay if I'm partaking in other activities in which I want to remain sultry and sexy?



18. Attend a wedding looking better than the bride. I can't really help this one.  It's not my fault I came from a better gene pool.



19. Apologize for being modest or chaste. This assumes I am modest and chaste...



20. Think anyone wants to see pictures of your cat(s). I don't own cats, so we're good.  Do you want to see pics of my puppies though?



21. Let a girlfriend who has been drinking go anywhere with a man she just met.



22. Take off your clothes anyplace someone has a camera or video recording device. I'd act ashamed, but my husband fully approved.



23. Make excuses for your kid’s obnoxious behavior. My kid, obnoxious? Never!



24. Buy something you don’t need just because it’s on sale. I rarely buy things I actually need, so why wouldn't I wait for them to go on sale?



25. Run down a girlfriend behind her back. Actually, my best friends will tell you I just tell them to their face how craptastic I think they're being.



26. Keep a stuffed animal on your bed after the age of sixteen. In all fairness, it was a "Daddy Doll" of Stonewall while he was deployed.  My teddy bear from when I was a kid is sitting on my dresser, but you didn't nix that location.



27. Get on the back of a motorcycle with a man who is younger than your dad. It was more of a moped and that was because when I tried to rent my own I ran it into a dumpster during the test drive, so I had to ride with Stonewall instead.



28. Ignore signs of cancer in the hopes that it will just go away.
 29. Fall in love with a “bad boy.” But he's so cute and he only occasionally pees in the house and he never barks anymore.



30. Refuse to tell a man what you really want for your birthday and then be disappointed by the gift you receive. I write a list for Stonewall.  There is no mistaking what it is I want for birthdays.



31. Provide the sole financial support for a man who is not disabled or completing his education.



32. Go more than six months without telling your dad how you feel about him.



33. Agree to be on a reality show with the words, “Real Housewives”, “Bachelor,” or “Bret Michaels” in the title. I'm not skanky enough for any of those shows.  Drats.



34. Dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve your name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash a hole in all four tires. I wouldn't say I did all of these things.  I certainly wouldn't be stupid enough to carve my name into his leather seats.  What idgit so obviously gives themselves away?



35. Expect to find a man in the twenty first century like Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Stonewall would never wear those tie things...



36. Tell your man, “You really didn’t have to.” (He did. He really, really did.) I must have been cracked out at the time for saying this because, most likely, he really did.



37. Expect a man to understand why you like diamonds. I don't really care if Stonewall understands, just as long as he continues to buy them for me on occasion.


38. Limit your Bible reading to the verses in your self-help orientated devotional. No worries here as I don't own or even know what a self-help orientated devotional is.



39. Serve in combat (unless your name is Joan of Arc). Although fighting with Stonewall could count as combat...


40. Flirt irresponsibly. I only flirt with the rich, good-looking guys.



41. Give unsolicited advice about breastfeeding. I really don't care what you do with your breasts as long as I don't have to see them.



42. Pierce any body part that is lower than your neck. I would not go any lower than my earlobes.



43. Write “Hey Cutie. How’ve you Been? I miss you!” on your now-married, former boyfriend’s Facebook wall. I definitely do NOT miss any of them.



44. Use profanity in any situation where your toe is not stubbed. Yeah, okay.



45. Remain desperately at home inventing lovers who call to say, “Come dance with me,” and murmur vague obscenities after the age of seventeen. I didn't even do this before the age of seventeen. 



46. Be surprised when a man is unable to read you mind. Why not?! He certainly acts surprised when I can't read his!


47. Assume that a stay-at-home mom doesn’t “work.” I hate these debates and refuse to get into them on my blog. But you can read how I feel on this blog.


48. Assume that a work-outside-the-home mom is a bad parent. To those people I say: I may be a bad parent, but my kid is still cuter, smarter, and way better at everything than your kid.  I'll put that on a bumper sticker.


49. Have a MySpace page after the age of 20. I don't have one anymore though, I swear!


50. Take advice from a serpent about what produce to eat. Luckily, I am not fluent in Parseltongue.

28 out of 50!  Okay, so I'm not perfect, but I'm more than half way there!

How about you?  Which of these 50 things a woman should never do are you guilty of doing?